Time, Place, and Holding on

A fond dream of mine is to fall asleep and live other lives as I sleep. Maybe I do. What do I know? Maybe that's why I wake up tired sometimes.

Sometimes I think about what the current James Bond is doing. I mean, we're all living out our lives at the same time, at the same pace. There is a strange, comforting connection in that for me.


There are little corners of my life that feel exactly right, like the coffee shop I go to. I order my classic drink and I sit in the sun and call my sister. Or that song comes on and I know I'm gonna be ok forever. Those moments are the puzzle piece borders, the lining to a mystery. Do they say something about if I'm on the right track? Or does the puzzle change as I get closer to the center? Am I creating it as I go? How much choice to I have?

Then there are times that I feel wrong. I can be in the right place at the wrong time, or with the wrong person. Like when I'm hiking and looking at my favorite view and wishing I was anywhere else. Or wandering around my neighborhood at night and hoping I could be behind one of the welcoming windows instead of outside on the dark street.

I've also noticed that those things change. They suddenly aren't the right or wrong thing anymore. The mystery evolves and I realize that its just not that simple. Things are not going to be the right thing, because you are not always going to be the version of you that needs them.

To illustrate: I was going through my instagram feed the other day. As I looked through, I saw a lot of moments that had come and gone. They were things that seemed, and were, right at the time. Relationships, adventures, moments. As I looked back at them, they were the things that made up my life; what it was built around. Those things that seemed right for a time, and the things that seemed wrong for a time...it was almost the losing and finding of those things that meant the most to me, as opposed to the holding on and keeping. Thats where the pain of loss came from and the joy of discovery.

I desperately wished for some of those things to be real and active again. And similarly, I was glad some of those things had faded into memory and didn't hold such sway as they once did.

But I guess thats one of the real challenges of life. To hold, but not too much, and to know that even when they are gone, they will continue to change you. So maybe they are never really gone.

Maybe thats the real mystery I'm trying to solve. Some things are relative to where you are in life, and space, and time. Maybe I'm trying to solve relativity. But maybe the mystery is deeper than that. Maybe I'm too concerned with holding my memories, when its really our memories that hold us.


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