I Keep My Eyes Fixed on the Sun

There have been some cloudy days recently in normally sunny Southern California. The rain has been tapping on the roof of my car and sliding down the edges of my apartment, and when I try to look up, it stings my eyes and pelts my face with little furious drops. The rain brings life and so I'm grateful for it, but when I am surrounded by clouds, its hard to find my bearings and believe that life really is on its way.

You've probably figured out by now that I'm not just talking about the weather. Although it is really raining, its been raining for like two days and its totally not a big deal. However, the clouds have come in over my life recently in a suffocating way and looking outside today has given me a visual aid for what is going on inside.

In this kind of environment, when everything seems to be sad and hopeless and doubtful; that every turn I make seems to be the wrong one; when I can't decide what to run from and what to run to, that is where I am forced to admit that I am lost. I keep waiting for the sun to peek through and give me a ray of perspective, but it stubbornly refuses to do so.

I realize that my life is not the only one with these sorts of problems. I think humanity in general has dealt with feeling lost and confused and blind in it's long walk through life. I am not special in this way. I have not come to a fork in the road where no one else has been to, but it is the first time that I have been to it, and although I've heard about it, is suddenly real. Isn't it funny how you hear about something and you know its coming, but nothing really prepares you for it?

The point is, that in the midst of confusion and doubt and being lost, I have a choice. I can accept that this is all there is: the clouds, the rain, the darkness, and live my life in perfect contentment that there is nothing more. Or, I can look past the clouds to what I believe will come after them: the sun, the light, recovery.

The clouds and darkness and confusion of life is where faith comes in. Without times like these, there is no reason to believe that I am lost or that I might be making big mistakes or that I might need help. The clouds tell a story: they are so fragile and fleeting, but they keep us from seeing the truth. There is more out there than what we can see or even imagine.

 Its easy to get trapped into thinking that the limits of possibilities are just as far as the nearest barrier, until we see the sky open up before us in all its unfathomed depths.

So, even on the cloudy days, (I'm looking at you CTE) "I'll keep my eyes fixed on the sun."


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