One thing that is giving me a lot of trouble lately, is trust. I've found that it is not as easy in practice as it is in theory. I find myself reaching the end of what I can control and then collapsing into something that  resembles numbness instead of trust.

The thing is, is that God, (so far as I found to be true in my life) is trustworthy. This is good news for people like me that are control-freaks and take on the responsibility for every facet and piece of their lives. However, going from clinging tightly to life, as is my first instinct (like hanging on to the bars on a roller coaster) to trusting God with every circumstance, anxious thought and disorder in my life (letting go and putting my hands in the air) is a very difficult transistion. I've been asking myself why that is so hard to do. I tell myself that if I really believe God is who He says He is, then it should be a piece of cake; that if it is difficult to trust Him then I am a particularly bad brand of sinner that doesn't deserve true happiness anyway. However, I don't think this is true. I think God is much more patient with me than I am with myself. 1 Peter 5:7 says: "cast your anxiety on God, for He cares for you." Again in Matthew 11:28: "Come to me, all you who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest." This does not sound like a God who expects us to either always be happy all the time, or have our lives figured out. I think He expected us not to trust Him, and is encouraging us to anyway.

I often think that it is up to me to figure out my life and how it should go. Believe me, I have a very clear picture of who I should be. I'm also starting to realize that God may have some other plans, and being in the midst of those plans is really proving difficult: I just want to get to the end and see who I am becoming. However, it is these anxieties that I'm feeling, these heavy burdens that I carry in the midst of change and troubling times, that God calls me to give to Him in exchange for rest. I am not called to enjoy the pain and chaos of life, but instead, invited to not carry their weight.

I'm starting to catch on to the fact that, whether I believe it or not, God holds me in the palm of His hand. Even as I accept that I don't know what He is doing in my life, and may not know for quite a while, that doesn't change the fact that He is doing something with and in me. And I can trust that He knows what He is doing, and that it is for my good. This verse from Romans says it a lot better than I can: "Who will separate us from the love of Christ? Will tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? Just as it is written, 'For your sake we are being put to death all day long; we were considered as sheep to be slaughtered.' But in all these things we overwhelmingly conquer through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, not depth, nor any other created thing, will be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." - Romans 8:35-39 

I hope this encourages you as much as it has encouraged me. 


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