To be honest, I can hardly type. This day has been on its way for a long time and it is both horrible and freeing to realize that it is here.
For months, I have been ignoring the subtle signs that I am absolutely unhappy. I knew that I was. I think I even knew why, but instead of listening to myself and trying to figure out how to change my circumstances, I did something that I always do: I second guess myself.
I knew what I wanted, and what I kept running away from. However, I slowly convinced myself of the fact that this was my lot in life and that I was absolutely powerless to change it. Every circumstance seemed to be something I was "supposed to do" and the places that I despised were places I "should be." For months, I've tried to content myself with a sort of asceticism, thinking that I would learn something valuable or some mysterious elusive secret to life; hoping that it would all pay off. I learned something. I learned that this is not that way that I was meant to live.
Yesterday, the dam broke. I finally faced up to everything that I was feeling and admitted it to myself. I found the most bitter, ferocious things come out. I got mad, really mad. I wondered why on earth I hadn't listened to myself sooner. Why had I defended the very things that were stealing the breath and joy out of my life? That was the last day I was going to do that.
I have realized that this is all much too big for me. I have opened the door and the monster that came through it has overwhelmed me. So, I didn't fight it. I prayed. I called others and asked them to pray. I have come to a place in my Christian life where really all that is between me and absolute despair is God. Through my family and others in my life I am surviving because they told me the truth that I have professed to believe, and have now been forced to either reject or live out. Its not because I have money in the bank or food or a place to live or anything else. Its simply that I have hope that God is actually in charge of whether I live or die. Its not just that though: its that He loves me and wants me to be happy. So there it is.
Once I knew that, it became about freedom. Did I really think that both me, and the God that I believed was the creator of universes and the human race itself, were actually trapped inside a circumstantial state of being? If that is really what I believe, that would be ridiculous. Freedom came in when I realized that I was indeed trapped, but only because I had trapped myself. God, on the other hand, was not. I realized that He was on the outside and was waiting until I saw the walls of my prison with my own eyes. I could now be saved.
I want to be free. I want to live my life to the fullest and stop wading around in knee-deep misery. Is that the life of a Christian who claims to hope and love and be held in regard by the God of the universe? I don't think so. I don't think I am called to punishing myself on earth for the sake of an afterlife, but instead to be made whole on earth to enter the afterlife equally full. So, I'm going to stop ignoring the anger that will inspire change and let change occur. I will stop thinking that I am not worthy of joy and happiness and freedom; starving myself of these things until I am utterly dead.
I want to live again.